ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
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This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.