You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
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Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
and now we wait
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken