Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
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I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled