Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
You Might Also Like
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE