@funTweeters
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6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
True
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
5 ways to appear taller
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.