Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
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While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”