Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
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New tinder profile pic
Me recordaron éste meme
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
oppen heimer style lol
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?