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Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
This checks out
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors