Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
You Might Also Like
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
How do you like your Corgi?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.