If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
❤️❤️❤️
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?