People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
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[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING