A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.