The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat