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If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.