Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair