Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I unironically love this joke.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
forgive me baja for i have blast
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.