The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea