My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.