Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
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My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown