Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Introverted vegans go meetless
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.