If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
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Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo