Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide