I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
You Might Also Like
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
moms in horror movies
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Breaking news:
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.