ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
You Might Also Like
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.