Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings