*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
at ease…shoulder.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I saw this ending much differently.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
If only.