HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
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“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I’m too immature for adultery.
Happy Friday
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden