You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
You Might Also Like
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”