twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
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the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall