[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
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“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.