Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Lassie, get help!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.