Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.