I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
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[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.