next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
This is a true ally.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.