I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
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I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.