Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
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“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
multitasking lunch
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
🙂🐾
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in