SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
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DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
(2022)
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Some people were born into their job.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.