Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
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*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?