I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me, flirting😏
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?