Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
How does one answer this?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
(more comics:
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun