[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
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Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.