Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
You Might Also Like
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.