If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
whenever i wake up before my alarm
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.