“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.