You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
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*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
it be like that
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training