Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.