Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
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gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.