“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
You Might Also Like
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
finally
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”