Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
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I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.