[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Every time.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!